Nine Lessons of Motherhood

On my 22nd birthday, I was 8 1/2 months pregnant, huge, not sure how ready I was to become a mother. Two weeks later, my daughter was born, and my life was never the same again. 

On my 24th birthday, I had a nine-day-old son in my arms when my friends sang “Happy Birthday.” My son had been due on my birthday but came early. Thoughtful as always, I supposed he didn’t want me to miss my own party by being in labor.

On my 26th birthday, I’d recently discovered I was pregnant with baby number three. He arrived on March 25th, at 4:55 in the morning, and has loved waking us up early ever since.

I’ve recently been looking over older writings of mine and discovered this, something I wrote on my 31st birthday, my ninth birthday as a mother. Nine motherhood lessons to mark that time.

That was 2013, nearly ten years ago. I think of everything that has changed. I think of the mom I am now. Looking back, some aspects of parenting seemed so simple ten years ago. The questions my children had and the problems they faced seemed smaller, more manageable.

But looking over the lessons on motherhood I had gleaned at that time, I realized that they all bear up ten years later. They make sense and there’s none about which I would say, that motherhood lesson no longer applies.

Have I learned more things about motherhood since then? I should hope so, and maybe, when my 41st birthday rolls around next month, I’ll gather a few to share.

But for now, here are the motherhood lessons I’d “learned” or at least begun to recognize, when I wrote this post as a relatively young mother of three relatively young children. (The material has been edited somewhat and I’ve added a few photos from those earlier times.)

Motherhood Lesson #1: I’ll never be a perfect mom. 

My youngest in 2013

When I was little, I loved the movie Milo and Otis, about an orange kitten who got lost and his best friend, the pug-nosed puppy, that searched until he found him.

The movie begins in the hayloft, where Milo, the kitten, is just born.

The narrator states that the mother cat, who just had her first litter, vowed she would never raise her voice or lose her temper. Ten seconds later, the mother cat is shouting at Milo, who is crawling dangerously close to the edge of the hayloft.

Kids aren’t static creations. They are dynamic (sometimes very dynamic) — always thinking, moving, changing, learning, and growing. And so are we, as parents. As long as we come to terms with that, we won’t be perfect moms, but we will be real ones.

Motherhood Lesson #2: I will forget to pray for my kids.

My daughter, spring 2013

I’ve read in parenting books such as Praying the Scriptures for Your Children and The Power of a Praying Mom that, yes, we’ll make mistakes, but at least we moms can pray for our kids every day of their lives. 

Another miserable fail, was my thought about that. These are great books and I recommend them, but sometimes I forget to pray for my children.

Sometimes I go through a phase where I wake up early every morning and read a great book on parenting and pray for my kids before they’re even awake; other mornings I get dragged out of bed by my kids and all I want is a few more moments of shut-eye.

Somehow I don’t think God is saying, “Well, since she hasn’t prayed for her children consistently every day of their lives, I’ll curse them and their children’s children from this time forth and even forevermore.”

That’s not the way it works. And with this little motherhood lesson, what I need to do is drop the guilt.

Motherhood Lesson #3: I will make the wrong call sometimes.

My boys on a trip, my dad in the driver’s seat

Before I became a mom, I vowed that when my kids fought, I would always listen carefully to both sides and make a patient and equitable decision on the matter.

I do that … sometimes. But often I don’t, and I’ll just do whatever makes the arguing stop most quickly, even if it’s not fair.

I’m not as wise as Solomon … but seriously, even Solomon wasn’t as wise as Solomon if you read about the decisions he made later in life.

Nor am I as patient as Job … but Job also sounded a bit dramatic when he made the case that he should have never been born.

What I mean to say is, when we struggle, we make the wrong call. We walk the wrong road. But maybe that’s a good thing because it helps our kids see we’re not perfect and helps them realize they don’t have to be perfect either.

Motherhood Lesson #4: Saying sorry is a good thing.

And because I’m not perfect, I won’t always do or say the best thing in any given situation.

But when I mess up, apologizing works wonders. Some of the sweetest and most heartwarming times with my kids have happened after I just said, “I’m sorry. I should have been more patient,” or “I should have let you finish what you were saying.”

There is nothing like hearing a four-year-old say, “I forgive you, Mommy.”

Motherhood Lesson #5: Kids can (and should) work.

My older son helping make dinner

I’m generally the type of person who likes to get a job done on my own. I know how I want it done, and I can do it pretty quickly.

But working side by side with my kids, and teaching them how to do a job not only lightens my workload when they learn to do it themselves, but it builds their confidence and skills like nothing else can.

Lately, I’ve let my older two children choose the cleanup jobs they want to do, and have expected them to follow through, and they’ve done great. I can’t exactly retire from housecleaning just yet, but they’re on their way, and it feels good not to do everything “All by myself.”

Motherhood Lesson #6: It’s never a bad time to say, “I love you.”

My son was sitting at the table doing artwork and I told him I loved him.

He looked up and asked, “Where are you going?” 

I suddenly felt guilty; do I really tell my children I love them that infrequently?

I still don’t say it as often as I should … but I’m working on it.

Motherhood Lesson #7: Kids need quiet time too.

My youngest child is the most energetic of the three … by far. He’ll jump from activity to activity and is a people person; he loves it when I’m jumping from activity to activity with him.

Unfortunately, jumping became out of character for me a long time ago. One day I was tired and didn’t know how I would keep up with his amazing energy.

We have a hammock on our back patio and he wanted to play in the backyard, so I reclined on the hammock. He clambered up next to me and was still, listening, for nearly half an hour.

He talked a little bit – about the things we can hear when it’s quiet.

My youngest in the hammock

Times of peace and quiet, stillness and listening, are growing rarer in this world of multimedia and multitasking. Learning to be still is an art, one that we mothers need and often overlook. But it’s something that cultivates peace, reflection, and calmness … even in children.

Motherhood Lesson #8: Things never go exactly as planned.

Daughter with hamster #2

Last year, my daughter was turning eight. I knew the perfect gift for her, a hamster.

Once my husband was convinced, we bought a cage and a hamster and brought them both home the evening before her birthday. We surprised her with it that evening, and she was so thrilled. Early the next morning, before the birthday girl woke up, I checked on the hamster.

It hadn’t survived the night.

I didn’t want this to happen on my daughter’s birthday, when she had only just gotten “The best birthday present ever.” I placed it in a box and told the kids it wasn’t feeling well and needed its rest.

My husband picked up another hamster on his way home from work, with similar markings. Buttercup the Hamster has been with us for nearly a year now.

Jessica’s ninth birthday is coming up and she’s asking for a dog. I think we’ll wait on that.

Motherhood Lesson #9: Parenting is a privilege.

Little people will grow up to be big people, each one unique with their own strengths and weaknesses, their own interests and skills. Each one has marvelous potential, and we moms can help them toward those paths they will take by reinforcing to them how unique and special they are, and cultivating their interests and talents.

I don’t know the future, or what is in store for my children.

But I know that for this little while, I have been blessed to love, teach, and be a mother to three amazing humans. The best gifts ever.

My kids and I in 2013, on a family trip to Colorado