Category Archives: Real Motherhood
Fake Resting and Real Tired
I’m currently reading Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist. It’s a terrific read for women and especially moms. Tired moms.
One part really stood out to me, about what she calls “fake resting”.
Women are good at fake resting. Again, moms especially. We tend to be responsible moms and tired moms.
On weekends or evenings or even during vacations, the moms are the ones who will be tidying up the house, preparing the meals, cleaning up afterward, finishing up that last load of laundry, or making plans for tomorrow.
It’s like this little graph below, of what “I’m going to bed” means for the wife as opposed to the husband:
I laugh at the above list, but I also nod in agreement. It’s so true! And it makes for a tired mom.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve said something like, “I’m really tired; I’m going to bed early” and invariably end up in bed long after my husband because there’s always “one last thing” to do.
Here’s what Shauna Niequist writes about it:
This is what I call fake-resting. I’m wearing pajamas. The kids are watching cartoons, snuggling under blankets, eating waffles. Aaron [Shauna’s husband] is reading or sleeping. It looks like I’m resting, too. But I’m not. I’m ticking down an endless list, sometimes written, always mental, getting things back into their right spots, changing the laundry, wiping down the countertops.
Some might say this is being a mother, or a homemaker, or this is what women have been doing for generations: tending to the home stuff while men and children go about their leisure. Maybe so, but this woman and mom is exhausted. And tired of being exhausted.
So I fake-rested on Saturday, and then again on Sunday. The kids and Aaron napped. They played with Legos and went to bed early. They watched movies and ate leftover pumpkin pie. And I caught up on emails and ordered Christmas presents and cleaned out a closet and started packing for an upcoming trip.
I fake-rested instead of real-rested, and then I found that I was real-tired. It feels ludicrous to be a grown woman, a mother, still learning how to rest. But here I am, baby stepping to learn something kids know intuitively.
Part of being an adult is taking responsibility for resting your body and your soul. And part of being an adult is learning how to meet your own needs, because when it comes down to it, with a few exceptions, no one else is going to do it for you. …
We … want to be seen as flexible, tough, roll-with-anything kinds of women. And this ends up keeping us from asking for what we need, for fear of being labeled difficult or diva-ish. But what good is it doing to me to have people think I’m laid back and flexible … when really that cherished reputation keeps me tangled up, needs unmet, voice silenced?
Shauna Niequist, Present Over Perfect
Thankfully(?), I have a husband who’s a bit of an over-achiever. What I mean by this is, at least I don’t need to be resentful of him sleeping or reading while I’m working … he’s working, too.
It’s Saturday, and with us both being self-employed, weekends are the times to catch up on all the things.
Sometimes it’s good for at least one of the partners to be good at real-resting, to encourage the other one to slow down a bit.
We’re both good at fake-resting … or, not resting at all.
But Shauna’s point is one I need to keep in mind: “Part of being an adult is taking responsibility for resting your body and your soul.”
Is this something you also struggle with?
Are you a tired mom or are you taking responsibility for resting your body and soul?
We tired moms are good at taking responsibility for all the other things. The laundry and the lunches, the meals and the dishes, the schedules and the drop-offs.
But maybe we need to adjust our priorities if those long lists of ours never have “rest” in the middle or at the end.
Maybe we tired moms need to do some real-resting instead of fake-resting so we won’t end up perpetually real-tired and unable to connect with the deep parts of ourselves or connect more deeply with others from the best parts of ourselves.
Nine Lessons of Motherhood
On my 22nd birthday, I was 8 1/2 months pregnant, huge, not sure how ready I was to become a mother. Two weeks later, my daughter was born, and my life was never the same again.
On my 24th birthday, I had a nine-day-old son in my arms when my friends sang “Happy Birthday.” My son had been due on my birthday but came early. Thoughtful as always, I supposed he didn’t want me to miss my own party by being in labor.
On my 26th birthday, I’d recently discovered I was pregnant with baby number three. He arrived on March 25th, at 4:55 in the morning, and has loved waking us up early ever since.
I’ve recently been looking over older writings of mine and discovered this, something I wrote on my 31st birthday, my ninth birthday as a mother. Nine motherhood lessons to mark that time.
That was 2013, nearly ten years ago. I think of everything that has changed. I think of the mom I am now. Looking back, some aspects of parenting seemed so simple ten years ago. The questions my children had and the problems they faced seemed smaller, more manageable.
But looking over the lessons on motherhood I had gleaned at that time, I realized that they all bear up ten years later. They make sense and there’s none about which I would say, that motherhood lesson no longer applies.
Have I learned more things about motherhood since then? I should hope so, and maybe, when my 41st birthday rolls around next month, I’ll gather a few to share.
But for now, here are the motherhood lessons I’d “learned” or at least begun to recognize, when I wrote this post as a relatively young mother of three relatively young children. (The material has been edited somewhat and I’ve added a few photos from those earlier times.)
Motherhood Lesson #1: I’ll never be a perfect mom.
When I was little, I loved the movie Milo and Otis, about an orange kitten who got lost and his best friend, the pug-nosed puppy, that searched until he found him.
The movie begins in the hayloft, where Milo, the kitten, is just born.
The narrator states that the mother cat, who just had her first litter, vowed she would never raise her voice or lose her temper. Ten seconds later, the mother cat is shouting at Milo, who is crawling dangerously close to the edge of the hayloft.
Kids aren’t static creations. They are dynamic (sometimes very dynamic) — always thinking, moving, changing, learning, and growing. And so are we, as parents. As long as we come to terms with that, we won’t be perfect moms, but we will be real ones.
Motherhood Lesson #2: I will forget to pray for my kids.
I’ve read in parenting books such as Praying the Scriptures for Your Children and The Power of a Praying Mom that, yes, we’ll make mistakes, but at least we moms can pray for our kids every day of their lives.
Another miserable fail, was my thought about that. These are great books and I recommend them, but sometimes I forget to pray for my children.
Sometimes I go through a phase where I wake up early every morning and read a great book on parenting and pray for my kids before they’re even awake; other mornings I get dragged out of bed by my kids and all I want is a few more moments of shut-eye.
Somehow I don’t think God is saying, “Well, since she hasn’t prayed for her children consistently every day of their lives, I’ll curse them and their children’s children from this time forth and even forevermore.”
That’s not the way it works. And with this little motherhood lesson, what I need to do is drop the guilt.
Motherhood Lesson #3: I will make the wrong call sometimes.
Before I became a mom, I vowed that when my kids fought, I would always listen carefully to both sides and make a patient and equitable decision on the matter.
I do that … sometimes. But often I don’t, and I’ll just do whatever makes the arguing stop most quickly, even if it’s not fair.
I’m not as wise as Solomon … but seriously, even Solomon wasn’t as wise as Solomon if you read about the decisions he made later in life.
Nor am I as patient as Job … but Job also sounded a bit dramatic when he made the case that he should have never been born.
What I mean to say is, when we struggle, we make the wrong call. We walk the wrong road. But maybe that’s a good thing because it helps our kids see we’re not perfect and helps them realize they don’t have to be perfect either.
Motherhood Lesson #4: Saying sorry is a good thing.
And because I’m not perfect, I won’t always do or say the best thing in any given situation.
But when I mess up, apologizing works wonders. Some of the sweetest and most heartwarming times with my kids have happened after I just said, “I’m sorry. I should have been more patient,” or “I should have let you finish what you were saying.”
There is nothing like hearing a four-year-old say, “I forgive you, Mommy.”
Motherhood Lesson #5: Kids can (and should) work.
I’m generally the type of person who likes to get a job done on my own. I know how I want it done, and I can do it pretty quickly.
But working side by side with my kids, and teaching them how to do a job not only lightens my workload when they learn to do it themselves, but it builds their confidence and skills like nothing else can.
Lately, I’ve let my older two children choose the cleanup jobs they want to do, and have expected them to follow through, and they’ve done great. I can’t exactly retire from housecleaning just yet, but they’re on their way, and it feels good not to do everything “All by myself.”
Motherhood Lesson #6: It’s never a bad time to say, “I love you.”
My son was sitting at the table doing artwork and I told him I loved him.
He looked up and asked, “Where are you going?”
I suddenly felt guilty; do I really tell my children I love them that infrequently?
I still don’t say it as often as I should … but I’m working on it.
Motherhood Lesson #7: Kids need quiet time too.
My youngest child is the most energetic of the three … by far. He’ll jump from activity to activity and is a people person; he loves it when I’m jumping from activity to activity with him.
Unfortunately, jumping became out of character for me a long time ago. One day I was tired and didn’t know how I would keep up with his amazing energy.
We have a hammock on our back patio and he wanted to play in the backyard, so I reclined on the hammock. He clambered up next to me and was still, listening, for nearly half an hour.
He talked a little bit – about the things we can hear when it’s quiet.
Times of peace and quiet, stillness and listening, are growing rarer in this world of multimedia and multitasking. Learning to be still is an art, one that we mothers need and often overlook. But it’s something that cultivates peace, reflection, and calmness … even in children.
Motherhood Lesson #8: Things never go exactly as planned.
Last year, my daughter was turning eight. I knew the perfect gift for her, a hamster.
Once my husband was convinced, we bought a cage and a hamster and brought them both home the evening before her birthday. We surprised her with it that evening, and she was so thrilled. Early the next morning, before the birthday girl woke up, I checked on the hamster.
It hadn’t survived the night.
I didn’t want this to happen on my daughter’s birthday, when she had only just gotten “The best birthday present ever.” I placed it in a box and told the kids it wasn’t feeling well and needed its rest.
My husband picked up another hamster on his way home from work, with similar markings. Buttercup the Hamster has been with us for nearly a year now.
Jessica’s ninth birthday is coming up and she’s asking for a dog. I think we’ll wait on that.
Motherhood Lesson #9: Parenting is a privilege.
Little people will grow up to be big people, each one unique with their own strengths and weaknesses, their own interests and skills. Each one has marvelous potential, and we moms can help them toward those paths they will take by reinforcing to them how unique and special they are, and cultivating their interests and talents.
I don’t know the future, or what is in store for my children.
But I know that for this little while, I have been blessed to love, teach, and be a mother to three amazing humans. The best gifts ever.
Find Your Rectangle Space
I recently mentioned on Substack that I’m reading a book called liturgy of the ordinary by Tish Harrison Warren. The theme of ordinary is cropping up in my life; I hadn’t even realized the title of the book had the word “ordinary” in it until after I’d started reading it.
It’s meaningful to me because my Substack newsletter is titled Limning the Ordinary.
I really enjoyed reading the first chapter of the book, which is about waking. Then I saw the title of the second chapter: “Making the Bed.” My first thought was, Oh no, is she going to suggest some weird practice where you’re supposed to be praying or meditating while you’re making the bed every morning?
But I started reading the chapter and it really resonated with me.
Tish Harrison Warren started the chapter with curiosity about bedmaking. She considered the fact that adults made their beds shocking because she never made hers. She states,
“In my mind, bedmaking was something we all collectively shed as soon as we could, like wearing a retainer or doing algebra homework.”
Tish Harrison Warren
I get the idea of not wanting to do something that you have to do over and over again. I enjoy the routine or ritual of some chores. Washing dishes, putting dry dishes away in the morning, putting a load of laundry in the washer, transferring it to the dryer. Usually, these things give me joy because I’m working towards order in the chaos. And I like things being orderly.
But lately, I’ve really not been in the mood to fold clean clothes. It’s just felt really … I don’t know how to describe it other than undesirable.
It could be that it’s been harder to find a clean surface to fold the clothes because of all the clutter in the house (and the fact that we have several cats shedding on the bedcovers).
Or it could be that it’s getting harder to decipher what clothes belong to whom because my boys are all as tall as (or taller than) my husband and with my daughter home, too, sometimes the kids have matching T-shirts from Camp etc. So, I’m like, “Okay, who wore their rocky railroad shirt this week?”
In short, I understand getting tired of repetitive stuff.
The part that really resonated with me, though, was the author’s description of her mornings:
At that time, my typical morning routine was that shortly after waking, I’d grab my smartphone. Like digital caffeine, it would prod my foggy brain into coherence and activity. Before getting out of bed, I’d check my email, scroll through the news, glance at Facebook or Twitter.
If humans rescue a baby in the wild, the animal is said to be imprinted. It accepts the human as its mother. From that point on, it will believe that all good things come from people. It is no longer wild and it cannot live on its own. …
My morning smartphone ritual was brief, no more than 5 or 10 minutes. But I was imprinted. My day was imprinted by technology. And like a mountain lion cub attached to her humans, I’d look for all good things to come from glowing screens.
Technology began to fill every empty moment in the day. Just before breakfast, I’d quickly scroll through email, Facebook, Twitter, a blog. Then again an hour later. I’d ignore my kids’ persistent calls for milk and snacks with a distracted “hold on” as I vaguely skimmed an article. I’d sneak in five minutes online as they ate lunch. I’d return from an errand and sit in the driveway with the car running, scrolling through news on my phone, and then I’d check my screen again before bedtime.
Throughout the day, I fed on a near constant stream of news, entertainment, stimulation, likes, and retweets. Without realizing it, I had slowly built a habit: a steady resistance to and dread of boredom.
Tish Harrison Warren
In liturgy of the ordinary, Tish Harrison Warren mentions that she did an informal survey of people on social media and learned that a lot of people actually do make their beds, which she found surprising. She decided to exchange her morning social media routine for a morning bed-making routine.
It wasn’t anything weird or overly spiritual like I thought it might be.
She just made her bed. And then she spent a few minutes sitting on her bed in silence. Sometimes she prayed. Sometimes she read Scripture. She said, “Mostly, I’d invite God into the day and just sit. Silent. Sort of listening. Sort of just sitting.”
She also said, “My new routine didn’t make me wildly successful or cheerfully buoyant as some had promised, but I began to notice, very subtly, that my day was imprinted differently.” Tish referred to having “a little space, an ordered rectangle in my messy home. And that rectangle somehow carved out a small, ordered space in my messy, distracted mind.”
The Perfect Space
My husband and I recently did a project in our house, ripping up the carpet in the living room and laying down hard flooring. It’s linoleum but looks like wood. I really like it because it matches with the wooden look of all my unmatching bookshelves and the piano that the kids used to be forced to play when they were learning piano but pretty much sits silent now.
I also bought a wooden mantle for three bucks at an estate sale. It’s big and heavy and I had no idea where to put it, so it was in the garage for about a year, but when we were putting the living room back in order and I was organizing hundreds of books on the shelves, I pulled that mantle into the living room and my husband put it up and it fits perfectly.
So, I have this space and I really like it.
I totally get what the author mentioned about having her little rectangle. If I have that little spot, that little space, I feel at peace and like I can focus on whatever task I have at hand—even if it’s not a task but reading a book or sitting and reflecting about a blog post.
Over the years, I’ve learned I don’t need the perfect space.
But perhaps that’s why I really enjoy it when I have my little rectangle of order.
I’ve lived in places where I had no such peaceful spaces.
For example, it was difficult to find peaceful spots during many of my years in India. I lived in the cities there, where there were lots of people. A hard thing for an introvert and a highly sensitive person—the noise and the press. Especially also being a foreigner.
Finding a peaceful spot was a little easier when I moved back to America. It was so busy being a mother of three kids under the age of six, but sometimes my boys and I would go on walks and we would find little peaceful spots.
For instance, there was a period of a year and a half when we lived in an apartment on a busy cross street. There was always traffic. One time we went for a walk and turned into a quiet street at the end of which was a bench leading into a gated community. We sat on that bench outside and it was just such a nice thing.
We called it the peaceful corner, kind of like Pooh’s little thinking spot.
Since I know what it’s like not to have such spaces, it’s been kind of a subconscious project of mine to build or create peaceful places. In nearly every room in my house, there’s somewhere that I think (I hope) people would feel comfortable sitting with a book and a cup of tea or coffee or hot cocoa or even with their laptop or phone in hand. Just able to relax.
Some of those spots are more successful than others. About four years ago, I bought a chair swing for an anniversary gift and my husband and son put it together; it’s been sitting out in the backyard and I can count on one hand the times my husband and I actually sat there together.
But not everybody is wired like that.
Not everybody seeks out peaceful places.
But we do all need them.
Especially if you’re the mother of young children or just a woman who has a house to take care of—even if you don’t have young children at home.
You need that little space where you can unwind. You need your “thinking spot” in the words of Pooh. You need your little rectangle of order, in the words of Tish Harrison Warren.
And don’t be afraid to find that place.
Maybe it’s not even at home. Maybe your home really is too small to create that place, so you need to go to a nearby coffee shop or a park to find peace.
That’s okay, too. It’s allowed.
Hopefully, you can find a space of your own, a rectangle of order where you can reflect, read, sip some beverage of your choice, and find a few moments of peace and respite.
9 Ways for Moms to Eat Healthier This Summer
In my last post, I mentioned that I was inspired to keep writing in this blog partly due to a kale smoothie and my son’s snarky comments about it.
I mentioned that I haven’t been eating so healthy; I didn’t mention that when I got a routine blood test a few months ago, my doctor mentioned my cholesterol is high (the bad cholesterol) and encouraged me to eat better. And with a visit to the doctor last week, although he didn’t do a blood draw, they did the little finger poke to test hemoglobin and that was low, which meant my iron levels aren’t so great.
Those two factors back to back, and also the fact that most of my pants no longer fit me, conspired to inspire me to eat better.
So, I’m kind of embarking on it at the same time but I also want to share with you some things that I think will inspire not just healthy eating, but healthy living overall.
And these suggestions will enable not just you but others in your family to eat and live healthier lifestyles too. What do I mean by that?
Let’s start with the first point.
Eat Healthier by Focusing on Your Eating Habits
If you’re a mom with young kids or a working mom with older kids (or even a working mom with no kids at home), we know that life is busy. There’s always something more that we could be doing but often—especially for moms of young kids or children who are still at home—our tendency is to focus on the kids first. This means that we moms don’t always make our healthy eating a priority.
This is evidenced by a book I’m reading by Jane Rubietta called Quiet Places. She mentioned that she could only eat certain things, so much of the time she would end up making healthy food for her family members and end up with absolutely nothing for herself to eat.
Clearly, this is not sustainable or healthy, but it’s kind of natural. This woman is a speaker and found that when she said this to a group of women, it resonated with other mothers as well.
So, the first and most important way to eat healthier is to focus on yourself and your healthy eating.
And honestly, this will trickle down to your kids more easily than you might think. Case in point, when I was making that smoothie yesterday, my son came into the kitchen. And if the smoothie were any color other than green, he would have been glad for a glass of it. This is a boy who generally prefers burgers, hot dogs, and pizza for dinner. It’s a struggle to get him to eat a balanced diet but he will down a smoothie, no sugar added, without complaint.
So, if I did take the time to make myself a healthy smoothie, guess who else would be eating healthy? My son.
So, if you’re trying to eat healthier, focus on yourself and the positive effects will trickle down to your other family members. If nothing else, you will feel better and more energetic if you’re eating well and not skipping meals.
Plan Your Meals in Advance
I might have mentioned that I enjoy making schedules and planning things. The problem is that I’m often too ambitious. When I try to make a plan and do my shopping for the whole month in advance, it turns out too big of a task, so I end up not doing it again for another year.
What I learned from that is that it’s good to plan ahead but do it in a way that works for you. Sometimes a loose plan or a flexible one, like a menu with several breakfast, lunch, and dinner options for a two-week period works well.
Then you can choose seasonal fruit or do some bulk shopping and get a bunch of produce that you can wash and freeze in advance for smoothies or something practical that saves times and enables you to eat healthier.
Do Some Meal Prep Ahead of Time
This will be more practical for some moms than others, but if it works for you, it can definitely help you moms eat more healthy.
For instance, if you work throughout the week and have a busy schedule, you might plan to do a bunch of washing and chopping and freezing of fresh fruits and veggies over the weekend, ahead of time. Then when it comes time to make your meals, you’re able to do it in a short period of time but you’re still working with healthier foods than if you’re just opening a can or tossing noodles with powder into a pot.
Eat Healthier by Not Being too Strict
Seriously, allow yourself some cheat days. (This might also be a cheat evening), the point being that you aren’t so strict with your healthy eating that you grow weary of it within a few days and go back to eating an entire bag of chips in a single sitting and then giving up all together.
Believe me, I have done that as well.
I love Anne Lamott’s quote about giving yourself grace. She probably says this several places throughout her books, but basically if you fall off the bandwagon (or if you never quite make it on the bandwagon of healthy eating to begin with), that’s not a reason to give up all together.
Just try the best you can.
But trying the best you can really does become easier if you allow yourself your special treats on your cheat days or cheat evenings. (Just make sure you don’t go overboard.)
For instance, I can do really well at eating healthy throughout the day, but when it comes to the evening, when I’m relaxing, that is when I can end up eating an entire box of sour patch kids and then start looking around for what else is crunchy and munchie in or on top of the fridge.
So, if I allow myself a little break, I also need to make sure that I am being moderate and allow myself to cheat a little or have a little treat but not overdo it.
Tell Your Family You’re Focusing on Healthy Eating.
If you’re the mother of the household and you do most of the shopping, this might or might not have much bearing, but the reason to tell others that mommy is trying to eat healthier is twofold.
One, if others do bring home food, they are aware that you are trying to eat or healthy. For instance, I mentioned this to my husband a few times over the last couple of days and today he ended up bringing home bananas, cherries, strawberries, grapes, mushrooms, a basil plant, and only one bar of dark chocolate from the store.
In the past, the ratio of junk food to fresh and healthy food would have been inverse.
He knows I’m trying and he is trying to make it easier for me.
I said this one is twofold and the other reason is this: you tell your children that you’re bringing home nothing but healthy food for the entire family and they might mutiny. But if you let them know that you’re trying to eat healthy and that you’d appreciate their help with it, they will probably be easier to work with and not assume that you’re trying to completely change their lifestyle just because you’re trying to change yours.
Again, the ripple effect is a powerful one and can be effective.
Don’t Wait Until You’re Hungry to Start Foraging.
This is seriously the one thing that if I get it down will be a game changer for me.
I always wait until the last minute. I don’t exactly have blood sugar problems but I’ve always had a fast metabolism and sometimes from one moment to the next, I simply can’t think straight.
So I go to the quickest and easiest thing in the pantry which are always carbs and sugars—basically, the very worst things.
I’ve been trying to do better with us over the last couple of days and I’m finding that it really is working well if I’m not voraciously hungry to focus on making something higher in protein, iron, fiber, and all the good stuff.
Eat Healthier by Eating Mindfully.
This doesn’t necessarily mean you need to give thanks for every meal although an attitude of gratitude never hurt anyone. There are probably studies out there showing that eating with a grateful and content heart actually helps digestion.
But this is about slowing down and being more mindful when you eat.
Of course, you probably won’t be able to do this for every meal but try to have at least one meal in the day where you take it a little more slowly, where you focus on the presentation and the beauty of the dish itself or the colors.
Or even if you don’t have time for that, just slow down a little bit when you eat. Focus on the texture and the flavor of the food.
Slowing down also helps with digestion as well as with you feeling full; it gives your brain a change to catch up with your stomach and know when you’re full so you don’t end up overeating.
Mindless eating is probably responsible for a lot of the extra pounds that I’ll be trying to lose over the next little while.
Invest a Little in Healthy Eating.
We all know inflation is a bear and things are more expensive than they ever have been.
It can be frustrating to live within a budget especially if income levels haven’t changed while expenses have only increased.
But if you’re a mom focusing on healthy eating, it makes it a lot easier if you invest a little bit into it.
This doesn’t mean a huge amount. Not everyone can afford to shop at those top-spots. But when I go shopping, I’ll allow myself an extra few dollars for something that I enjoy and that is healthy.
For instance, I have a favorite cereal that is healthy but not available in many stores and tends to be expensive. So I’m planning on finding that cereal next time I go shopping; that will be a little treat for myself.
Last time I went shopping, I picked up some onion and chives spreadable cream cheese, which isn’t like some amazing, expensive thing, but it’s something I’ve enjoyed several times recently on Triscuits and whole wheat toast.
(It’s healthier than the other readily available option on the kitchen table which is muffins from Costco. That was before I talked to my husband about eating healthier.)
Have Fun Eating Healthy
So, I hope these suggestions on ways for moms to eat healthier this summer are helpful—not just for you but for your family.
And I hope they are helpful not just for short-term binge dieting so you look better in a bikini. (Believe me when I say my bikini days are long gone.)
But I hope these suggestions help you live a more sustainably and long-term healthy lifestyle and have fun while doing it. Nobody wants to live healthy, but be miserable.
Reminds me of this little joke:
An 85-year-old couple were married almost 60 years before they both died. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to the wife’s interest in health food and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bedroom and spa. As they looked in awe, the old man asked St Peter how much all of this was going to cost.
“It’s free,” St Peter replied. “This is Heaven.”
They went to a club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
“How much to eat?” asked the old man.
“This is Heaven, it is free!” St Peter replied with some exasperation.
“Well, where are the low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.
St Peter lectured, “That’s the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick! This is Heaven.”
With that, the old man went into a fit of rage, throwing down his hat and stomping on it and shrieking wildly. His wife and St Peter both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!”
So, here’s to healthy living and happy living.
Ways for Moms to Save Time This Summer
I have a book on my shelf titled More Hours in My Day written to moms who want to save time and organize their life. The cover makes me laugh, not just because it is a shade of purple that wouldn’t go over these days but because it has a little subtitle that says “updated for the 90s”.
Glancing at the introduction, I see the original version was written in 1982. The year I was born.
The author, Emilie Barnes, was an author and speaker; at the time the edition I own was published, she was speaking to over 8,000 women each year at conferences, retreats, and her “more hours in my day” seminars to help women save time, especially moms.
Emilie Barnes has an interesting story. She had a “thrown in the deep end” start to parenting, when, at the age of 20 with her daughter a few months old, her sister-in-law walked out on her husband and three preschool children. The father wasn’t able to take care of them for several years, so Emilie and her husband Bob brought the children in.
At 20 she was a mother to four children under the age of four. A few weeks after welcoming the three children into her home, she realized she was pregnant. At 21, she was the mother of five children under the age of five. This was 1960, and needless to say, she learned how to save time, organize her house and schedule, and make more hours in her day out of sheer necessity.
Basically, before Marie Kondo and the life-changing magic of tidying up, there was Emilie Barnes teaching women how to have More Hours in Your Day, how to Clean out the Clutter, and offering Simple Secrets to a Beautiful Home. She wrote 14 books solely on the topic of organization and time-saving.
I read the book several years ago and plan on reading it again. One chapter has some great tips on saving time by not wasting motions. Here are a few of her tips, along with some personal insights on how these tips can be updated (not for the 90s but for the 2020s).
Save time by using a to-do list:
“Each evening before going to bed or before leaving the office, I make a list of what I need to do tomorrow. Then I go one step further. I rank items according to priority: one, two, three etc. Tomorrow morning, I start working with #1, then go to #2. It’s not long before I’ve made a real impact on that list.”
Emilie Barnes
Update for Moms Saving Time in 2023:
I used to be far more consistent in keeping a To Do List. This is something I’ve kind of gone back and forth with, because in embracing the mom I am now, I like not being bound to too specific of a list of things to do.
And as a writer, I also like to have flexibility in the writing that I’m focusing on or the areas of interest I want to pursue on any given day.
At the same time, sometimes I feel like the entire morning goes without me accomplishing anything important because there’s always other stuff that needs to get done. Laundry, taking care of the pets, responding to messages on Facebook marketplace, answering a few texts … before I know it, it’s afternoon and I haven’t finished any editing or writing.
So, there’s a balance to be found. A priority To Do List is helpful in jotting down the things you know you have to do that day, so you don’t forget about the important things, and then an ongoing To Do List of things that you would like to get done that week but don’t absolutely have to be done that day.
That way, you can focus on the most important things and then if you have extra time, you have the flexibility of deciding what you want to focus on.
Plan on doing more than one thing at a time:
“Most women can do more than one thing at a time very easily with a little training. I find that a long phone extension cord in my kitchen is a must. I can do any number of things while talking to a friend or relative. … If you’re into exercise and you have an indoor exercise machine, this is a great time to read your favorite book as you walk on your treadmill.”
Emilie Barnes
Update for Moms Saving Time in 2023:
Technology has made it so easy to multitask and thereby save time.
I had a client who I worked with as a freelance writer and editor, and this was a high-level guy who was always busy. Whenever we had calls, he was either walking for exercise or on his way from one place to another in his vehicle. He used that time wisely.
Multitasking is something that takes practice because not everything can be multitasked.
Usually, you need to do one focused thing at a time; the other task you take on should not require focus. For instance, listen to an audiobook or podcast while folding laundry or doing the dishes. But don’t try to listen to an audiobook while trying to decide how you’re going to reorganize your closet. That takes more focus, and you will either tune out of the audiobook or you’ll have a hard time making decisions about the task before you.
Group your shopping trips together:
“Keep a list of items you need to buy: books, videos, Christmas gifts, clothes, cosmetics, housewares, birthday and anniversary gifts. When you see a sale or go to a store, you can acquire what’s on your list. This will save time and a lot of money later.”
Emilie Barnes
Update for Moms Saving Time in 2023:
A lot of stores have apps where you can keep an ongoing shopping or grocery list. Then, you can simply check out and plan your pick-up time. By shopping online—whether it’s Whole Foods via Amazon or using the Walmart app, you will find it easier to stick to your shopping list and not get distracted by items you don’t need that are waiting at the checkout line (i.e., candy bars and chips).
This also saves time; if you pick up from a store that’s 10 or 15 minutes away, it’s a half hour round trip rather than hours scouring the aisles, and (if you’re a parent) contending with young children who want this, that, or the other added to the shopping cart, then waiting in line, dealing with the stress of bagging your items or struggling to find the right change (or credit card) with people waiting in line behind you.
In short, pickups can save both time and money as many of them also offer pick-up service for free.
Read or write while you wait:
“I have a ‘to read’ folder that I take with me when I know I’m going to have to wait. I get caught up with all my junk mail, letters, correspondence etcetera. I even carry along a few thank you notes so I can write a friend.”
Emilie Barnes
Update for Moms Saving Time in 2023:
Now that we have smartphones, there is plenty we can do when we’re waiting at a doctor’s office or kids appointment, but it involves some intention. In short, it involves deciding not to mindlessly browse social media but to do something constructive instead.
When you’re waiting to pick up your kids from school or practice, it’s a perfect time to catch up on backlogged emails, delete the ones that you don’t need, respond to the ones that you can answer quickly, and then save the ones that require more time or attention for later.
As a writer, I also use time waiting to jot down ideas for blog posts, or use it to craft a creative post on social media.
I often use my driving time (when alone) to record my journal using voice-to-text on my gmail. I send it to myself, then when I’m on my laptop later, I copy it into my journal document.
I also love the idea of keeping thank you cards or blank cards in your purse. As we so rarely send and receive “real” mail these days, time waiting is an ideal opportunity to think of someone you might want to jot a note to or someone who you’d like to thank with a card they can hold in their hands. Elderly people in your church or community, relatives, and young people away at college are ideal recipients for notes if you can’t think of anyone to write.
Hopefully, these ideas on saving time will help you on your way to creating more hours in your day. Hint: it’s actually impossible to do so; what we must do then is redeem our hours by using them wisely.
An important final note on saving time:
While it’s an important practice to learn how to save time and multitask and make the most of the hours in your day, you don’t want to make this too important.
There were ongoing stages in my life where I felt like if I wasn’t doing something constructive, something useful, that I was completely wasting my time. I felt guilty. I believed I always had to be doing.
But there’s something to be said for just being.
For taking a day off. For sitting outside in the evening and watching birds fly overhead. For catching a matinee on the weekend without feeling guilty.
So, in practicing ways to save time, don’t become a slave to time-saving methods.
Whether your schedule is tight with every hour slotted in or more flexible, allow yourself time to just be. Time to discover, time to play, time to breathe.
The Mom I Am Now
If you subscribe to this blog, this is the first post that has popped into your inbox for a while. You might be surprised or perhaps even forgot you subscribed to Positive Parenting Blog.
For the lengthy gap in time between this post and my last one, I apologize …
and I also want to explain.
It has to do with the mother I am now.
And it started with me making my very first kale smoothie.
Kale is growing really well in my backyard, which is a first. I tried growing kale before, but when the days started getting hotter (which happens every year in California’s San Joaquin Valley), the kale died. I figured it did not grow well in this climate.
But I decided to try again and planted it in late winter. This time around, the weather grew warmer and couple times the highs came close to 100, and the kale is still growing and flourishing.
I really have no excuse not to be eating healthy with an abundance of backyard kale, but lately I really haven’t been eating healthy.
This is the mother I am now: I love sour patch kids. I love chocolate. And I really like cookies (especially shortbread cookies and soft homemade cookies). Basically, the less healthy it is for me, the more I will want to eat it. Oh, and I love popcorn, and since the easiest popcorn to make is the microwave variety … let’s just say that a few times lately, I had popcorn and cupcakes for dinner. The cupcakes were leftovers from my son’s graduation party.
Speaking of graduation, with half a dozen of his friends graduating this month also, there have been lots of gatherings and lots of opportunities to consume sodas, cake, and all kinds of sweets.
So, back to that kale smoothie …
It wasn’t just kale, but I picked three large leaves of kale and tossed it in my handy, dandy magic bullet blender with a handful of frozen berries and half a frozen banana, along with some fresh ginger and water.
I blended it up and it was green. Very green.
My son came in and asked if I was making a smoothie; he enjoys berry smoothies when I make them. But I haven’t made a smoothie for a while, as I’ve been too busy eating popcorn and cupcakes and my secret stash of sour patch kids.
He took one look at my kale smoothie. I told him the kale was fresh from the backyard.
He told me, “Mom, you’re turning into a typical 40-year-old white woman.”
Now if you don’t have children, I would recommend it if only for the sarcasm they suddenly develop in their teenage years. My son is 14 and making up for lost time.
I laughed along with him and told him that I plan on making avocado toast next.
He set me straight by saying, “No, avocado toast is the typical diet of a white 30-year-old.” So apparently, I am no longer eligible for avocado toast.
It was a silly exchange and I drank some of the kale smoothie and gave some to my daughter, who actually drank it …
But my son’s words got me thinking.
Thinking about the woman that I am, the mother I am now.
I started this blog 13 years ago when I was in my late twenties and a mother of three children eight and below. I was in many ways, a different woman.
I was ambitious and idealistic and possibly a little too driven. Driven by perspective of the mother I wanted to be and thought I needed to be.
But a lot happens in 13 years. Disappointments and setbacks. Shake-ups and shakedowns. My children have faced challenges I would not have imagined 13 years ago. I also have faced difficulties I didn’t picture having to deal with, ever.
But there have also been successes and accomplishments, joys and triumphs I would not have foreseen 13 years ago. And also, there has been grace. Not just in the difficult times but possibly because of them.
My daughter, after nearly two years away at college (only returning home for short Christmas visits), is home for the summer, and she made this observation:
“Mom, you’re so much more lenient than you were when I was younger.”
And in some ways, that’s the way it’s supposed to be. You have to let go of the reins a bit as your children grow up. You have to let them move on into making more decisions on their own.
But it’s more than that.
As an idealistic mom who didn’t let video games inside the house, for instance, I would hardly have imagined video games would actually help one of my children when they were struggling with severe anxiety.
I would not have imagined bonding time with my kids would center on lengthy discussions about Minecraft, World War II weaponry, or that it would involve binging on a TV series some would consider horror.
But, surprise, surprise. This is the mother I am now.
I am raising three children-turned-teenagers who are turning out to be very different from me, who have different interests and skills, resonate with different things, and are taking different paths.
Who would have thought, right?
I expected that by now I’d have a few more things down as a mother. That I would have a regular meal plan and shop only according to that plan. That I’d have a consistent chore schedule and my children would be skilled and taken over completely with things like dishwashing vacuuming and pet care.
But this is the mother I am now
Not the mother who consistently exercises but one who manages to take the dog for a walk every once in a while.
Not the mother who consistently eats all the right foods—high in protein and iron and fiber content, but who occasionally makes a kale smoothie or considers the benefits of trying out avocado toast even if I’m not in the right age group.
I’m a little bit more lax and a little bit more relaxed.
I know that doesn’t mean I have the perfect balance. It doesn’t mean that I’m not still striving to reach goals and desires, brimming with ideas and ideals, for myself and for my children.
So here we are, because it’s the only place I can be, the mom I am now.
And it is reboot of sorts for positive parenting blog or perhaps a reorientation. I’m hoping to do posts once a week, most likely on Saturday when you will hopefully have some spare time to read it.
Also, I currently have other focuses, including writing focuses.
If you aren’t aware of it, I’ve been posting for a few months now on Substack and would be thrilled if you headed over there to check it out. I post three times a week for all subscribers and an additional post each week for paid subscribers, on a publication I’ve titled Limning the Ordinary.
I’m also working on my fiction WIP and preparing that for a few beta readers in hopes of getting my novel published sometime in the near future.
And, of course, I’m a mom of three teenagers and a wife to a terrific guy who has started a business of his own in the last few years and still finds time to cook a good meal for us at least once a week. (I help him with his business also, so it’s a decent tradeoff.)
I’m still a freelance editor. Lately, one of my projects has been working with Hip Homeschool Moms and assisting with their blog posts on various websites. If you’re not aware of them, they definitely have a lot going on for moms of younger children and moms of teenagers. They also have a recipe blog.
And since it’s been a while since we’ve caught up (entirely my fault), feel free to leave a comment. Let me know how things are going with you, how the parenting life is treating you.
Maybe you’re figuring out life as an empty nester or a foster parent. Maybe you’re just launching into having children in school, or you’re in the middle of parenting teens, like me.
Until next Saturday, be well.
Embrace the parent you are now, even if it’s not the one you thought you would be.
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