Category Archives: Priorities
Fake Resting and Real Tired
I’m currently reading Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist. It’s a terrific read for women and especially moms. Tired moms.
One part really stood out to me, about what she calls “fake resting”.
Women are good at fake resting. Again, moms especially. We tend to be responsible moms and tired moms.
On weekends or evenings or even during vacations, the moms are the ones who will be tidying up the house, preparing the meals, cleaning up afterward, finishing up that last load of laundry, or making plans for tomorrow.
It’s like this little graph below, of what “I’m going to bed” means for the wife as opposed to the husband:
I laugh at the above list, but I also nod in agreement. It’s so true! And it makes for a tired mom.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve said something like, “I’m really tired; I’m going to bed early” and invariably end up in bed long after my husband because there’s always “one last thing” to do.
Here’s what Shauna Niequist writes about it:
This is what I call fake-resting. I’m wearing pajamas. The kids are watching cartoons, snuggling under blankets, eating waffles. Aaron [Shauna’s husband] is reading or sleeping. It looks like I’m resting, too. But I’m not. I’m ticking down an endless list, sometimes written, always mental, getting things back into their right spots, changing the laundry, wiping down the countertops.
Some might say this is being a mother, or a homemaker, or this is what women have been doing for generations: tending to the home stuff while men and children go about their leisure. Maybe so, but this woman and mom is exhausted. And tired of being exhausted.
So I fake-rested on Saturday, and then again on Sunday. The kids and Aaron napped. They played with Legos and went to bed early. They watched movies and ate leftover pumpkin pie. And I caught up on emails and ordered Christmas presents and cleaned out a closet and started packing for an upcoming trip.
I fake-rested instead of real-rested, and then I found that I was real-tired. It feels ludicrous to be a grown woman, a mother, still learning how to rest. But here I am, baby stepping to learn something kids know intuitively.
Part of being an adult is taking responsibility for resting your body and your soul. And part of being an adult is learning how to meet your own needs, because when it comes down to it, with a few exceptions, no one else is going to do it for you. …
We … want to be seen as flexible, tough, roll-with-anything kinds of women. And this ends up keeping us from asking for what we need, for fear of being labeled difficult or diva-ish. But what good is it doing to me to have people think I’m laid back and flexible … when really that cherished reputation keeps me tangled up, needs unmet, voice silenced?
Shauna Niequist, Present Over Perfect
Thankfully(?), I have a husband who’s a bit of an over-achiever. What I mean by this is, at least I don’t need to be resentful of him sleeping or reading while I’m working … he’s working, too.
It’s Saturday, and with us both being self-employed, weekends are the times to catch up on all the things.
Sometimes it’s good for at least one of the partners to be good at real-resting, to encourage the other one to slow down a bit.
We’re both good at fake-resting … or, not resting at all.
But Shauna’s point is one I need to keep in mind: “Part of being an adult is taking responsibility for resting your body and your soul.”
Is this something you also struggle with?
Are you a tired mom or are you taking responsibility for resting your body and soul?
We tired moms are good at taking responsibility for all the other things. The laundry and the lunches, the meals and the dishes, the schedules and the drop-offs.
But maybe we need to adjust our priorities if those long lists of ours never have “rest” in the middle or at the end.
Maybe we tired moms need to do some real-resting instead of fake-resting so we won’t end up perpetually real-tired and unable to connect with the deep parts of ourselves or connect more deeply with others from the best parts of ourselves.
Mother’s Day Writing Contest Winners
Congratulations to our winners: Gaby (73 likes), Helen (72 likes), and Charlotte (71 likes)! It was so close! I wish everyone could have won something because every story is so special. Every memory. Every moment.
Every mother!
I so enjoyed reading these memories and reflections on mothers and memories from childhood that I’m thinking about writing some posts with memories of my childhood.
The idea also developed with an assignment from my photography class. For the final assignment, my professor said we can choose one subject and take 20 photos on that theme. My immediate choice (naturally) was my children. Then I began to wonder, “What kind of pictures should I take?”
The concept began to form: take pictures that coincide with my own childhood memories. Images began flooding into my mind. Eating ice cream while sitting on the back of a station wagon with my siblings, running through sprinklers, playing shadow tag, moving the lawn with a push-mower, pillow fights and raking leaves, fishing, jumping on a trampoline. So many iconic flashes. I hope I can capture them all.
More than that, I hope that my children are developing images of their own. I pray that special memories are forming in their minds, things they can carry with them always. To remind them of being loved.
Because no matter what else I might have to offer, or might not have … one thing I can unequivocally give my children, one thing we can all offer our children, is love.
The love of a parent. Imperfect, yes. But somehow unconditional. Somehow transcendent and beautiful and enduring. Even if it’s all we have to offer our children … it is enough.
Time to be a Child?
I meant to continue posting here in mid-February, after a break of about a month at the start of the year. We’re now in sight of April. Not only is 2014 well underway, but it’s nearly a quarter over.
In the past few months I’ve had a number of ideas for short posts on parenting. Lots of stuff has been happening in my kids’ lives, and in mine. I even started writing a few times, but nothing felt right. I’m not exactly sure why. Maybe it’s seeing other mothers with elaborate websites, thousands of followers and hundreds of comments, their parenting mission seeming very clear and successful.
And I look at myself, trying to keep a basic grasp on being a mom in the midst of school, work, writing, and a myriad of random and sometimes very time-consuming (and mentally or emotionally exhausting) issues that arise on any given day.
The other day I was trying to work on an editing project and couldn’t focus because Aiden had gone up to about 75 decibels with his fire truck noises and Allen was describing to Jessica his idea for a new Tigger movie (and she was telling him exactly how it should really be done). I finally told them, “Guys, go play in the backyard so I can focus.” Of course as soon as they went out there, I wished I could join them. I turned back to my editing and still couldn’t focus because I felt guilty for having lost my patience with them.
It’s not their fault their room doubles as my “office.” I know more space would not necessarily be the answer. That’s the problem, I guess. I don’t really have all the answers. The answers on how to be an awesome parent. … Or I do know some answers but fail to implement them.
Maybe I am approaching it the wrong way, looking at things like the negative of a photo. Thinking I see a picture, but the colors are inverted so that light is dark. So dark. Maybe it is not that I should be trying so hard to be the mom sometimes, but to be more of a child.
We read a poem by Robert Frost in my English class today, about a man thinking of tree climbing (among other things). We talked about nostalgia and happy childhoods and looking back over these times with an element of longing and perhaps regret.
I am not a child anymore, but my kids are. And perhaps I should be that more too … by just being rather than trying so hard. By climbing a tree or playing shadow tag, blowing bubbles or sitting down on the floor and building a stack of colorful blocks right up to the sky. Maybe then I won’t have to worry about looking back with regret and longing, knowing I made the most of every moment.
All that to say, I’m going to try to begin posting in here again, if nothing else to keep some sort of track of my days as a mom of three young (and rather awesome) kids. I’ll try to post some things by other moms too, whose books I’ve read or am reading, and who capture the essence of motherhood so much better than I can.
If you’ve read any good books or seen a great quote on parenting, please share it in the comment section below. Or if you have any other thoughts you want to share on parenting, I’d love to hear from you.
Happy New Year
Happy New Year from the Roque family
On my other blog, I posted my New Year’s resolutions.
The first one is:
Disconnect to Reconnect
In Colorado, I saw a neat little flyer. It stood out to me. It said, “There is no wi-fi in nature. But we’re sure you’ll find a better connection.”
As I’ve been praying about the New Year, I feel that I should to take a break from blogging and Facebooking. I’ve heard it takes about six weeks to build a new habit or to break an old one. So I’ll be going offline at the beginning of the year, for roughly 40 days, to disconnect from some things in order to connect (or reconnect) with others … and hopefully regain perspective of the most important things.
Wishing you and your children a wonderful New Year! Enjoy it together with them. They grow up so fast. I heard from a friend whose children are grown, and he spent Christmas alone. I told him that I’m dreading the day when my kids are “all growed up.”
So, in this New Year, I wish you deep and wonderful connections with your children, whether they are grown or still children. A few suggestions for resolutions this year:
Create memories.
Give them the gift of time.
Enjoy life by slowing down and seeing it through their eyes.
Smile, laugh, and hug.
Reason with the faith of a child.
I look forward to writing and connecting with you all again soon. Happy New Year!
Happy Mother’s Day!
I just enjoyed a Mother’s Day lunch with my two sisters. My mom had reserved a table for the four of us at one of her favorite restaurants. But this morning, when I texted her “Happy Mother’s Day,” she let me know she was on her way to a birth and wouldn’t make it for lunch. My mom is a midwife, and a terrific one at that. Only Heaven knows how many lives she has touched with her presence during such an important time in parents’ lives — the birth of their child.
But on Mother’s Day? I felt bad, for me, for my sisters, and for my mom. Going to lunch without her felt like throwing a party without the guest of honor. It was great to visit with my oldest sister, whom I haven’t seen since last year, and have time to chat with my sisters without being interrupted by our children every 2.5 minutes (as much as we love them). But it also felt like something was missing. Someone.
I realized, though, that mom is doing what she does best, being there for others when they need her. Just like she was always there for me.For all of us.
Some evenings, I struggle to make sure my kids have finished their homework. My mom home-schooled six of us and I never heard her complain or remark about how much work we all were. Actually, when my older siblings started going to high school, she would be happy to call in sick for them when needed, because it would mean they would be home and she would have more time with her kids. She just loved being a mom.
All week I’ve been thinking about writing a post here for Mother’s Day, wondering what to write about my mom. I have enough precious memories to fill a book, but somehow nothing I could formulate into words seemed “enough.” It’s funny how the people who mean the most to you, and who have done the most for you, are the same people you feel most incapable of appreciating and thanking, and telling them just how much you love them. But I guess we still have to try.
For the record, Mom … Thanks. I love you and admire you more than words could say. Thanks for always dreaming of being a mom, because you are the best one ever! Thanks for following your calling to be a midwife, because so many more people than just me — mommies and babies and daddies too — need the blessing of your concern and care. Thanks for living your dreams, because it shows me that I can live mine too. And thanks for being an awesome mom, because it inspires me to try to be the same for my kids.
Happy Mother’s Day!
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